My spouse and I are separating, what is the first thing I should do?

The first thing you should do is sit down and make a plan. How are you and your spouse going to separate? Who is moving out of the house? How are we going to tell the children? When is the separation going to occur? Even if you cannot answer all of those questions right away, beginning the process of thinking about those questions is a good first step.

The next thing you should do is start gathering information. Start looking for copies of important financial documents, such as mortgage information, bank account statements, credit card and other debt statements, retirement statements, insurance policies, tax returns and paystubs. If you and your spouse are still communicating with each other, ask him or her for copies of any documents that you do not have access to, such as separate bank and credit card accounts, paystubs, and retirement statements. Do not access your spouse’s separate account on your own by going online to get the information unless you have their express permission to do so at that time. This is a violation of federal wiretapping laws, and you can be prosecuted. If your spouse is unwilling to provide that information right away, don’t panic! Often in the beginning stages of our settlement negotiations with other attorneys, we voluntarily exchange documents and get the information we need. However, if you are able to find statements of your spouse’s accounts in your house (paper copies), you can make copies of those documents to provide to your attorney. Again, it is important that your attorney gets an accurate picture of your financial situation, so the more information you can gather, the clearer that picture becomes.

If your spouse moves out of the house, you may change the locks on your house. If you are planning to do this, you should tell your spouse that the locks have been changed once you have changed them. Additionally, you should tell your spouse that they are not to attempt to come into the house without your permission. Many people believe that as long as their name is on the deed or mortgage to the house, that they are entitled to enter the property at any time. That is not true, if you are the spouse that has moved out of the house. In North Carolina, once a spouse has moved out of the house, if he or she attempts to return to the house without other spouse’s permission, it is a violation of the Domestic Criminal Trespass law, and is a misdemeanor crime. (N.C.G.S. § 14-134.3) However, you need to make it clear to your spouse that you do not want them on the property.

Finally, you should talk to an attorney to find out what your legal options and obligations will be. Check in with your children’s teachers, and let them know that your children may be exhibiting some signs of stress in the coming weeks and months, and to keep you and your spouse informed of those changes. Go to your family and friends for emotional support, not for legal advice. Everyone has a story of a friend’s divorce that went horribly wrong. Be assured that every case is different, and even if the circumstances sound similar, that is all it is: a similarity. Your attorney may handle your case in a vastly different manner than your friend’s attorney, not because your friend’s attorney did a bad job, but because your friend’s situation was truly different from your own. The same rule applies to that family member that appeared to get rich from his or her divorce. Remember, just because it went extremely well or extremely poorly for someone you know, does not mean your divorce will be the same.